Warning: long dry post ahead.
That puparoo in the picture is my 4.5 month old Louisiana Catahoula Leopard Dog named Dolly. I’ve had her for almost 3 months now. She is the most hardheaded, active and the loudest dog I have ever known. She thinks everything is a game which can drive me insane at times. But I LOVE this dog. She’s been a life saver. When I feel lonely, I bring this not so little girl into my lap and cuddle with her. She loves it. I love it. She does this thing that I can only describe as ‘screaming’ when I home come after a long day. She’s very vocal and her whines turn to screams when I give her a belly rub. It’s super fucking adorable. But my entire day could be going to shit for one reason or another or I’m upset because I feel lonely and this one will curl up in my lap and relax. Because she’s such a God send, I bring her to the dog park every couple of days as long as it’s not raining and let her socialize with other dogs. I have also bought her a kiddy pool so she can play in it because she loooooves playing in the water. She cries to get into the bathtub most days. So I’ll put her in there and close the drain, run the water for about 10 seconds and let her have at it. It’s fucking adorable. I absolutely love her. I am allergic to her though. So I am living on benadryl and other allergy medication so I’m not dying 24/7
I still have my bullybutt Cleo, but she’s been very sick lately and she hates Dolly. She was diagnosed with CHF (congestive heart failure) about a month and a half ago. She was also in kidney failure. And the vet said that her intestines are in her chest, but that was something that happened since birth. He said he’s never seen a dog make it past 9 days of life with that condition. And here my baby is, going on 9 years of life with her intestines in her chest. We took her back to the vet a week ago because her legs were swelling pretty terribly. They tested her kidney function and found that it had improved which was great news. I recommended to my parents that they stop giving her food with a lot of sodium in it. She’s refusing dog food (and after reading what is in Purina Beneful, I don’t blame her one second. I can’t believe I was poisoning my dog for so long) so my parents have been giving her people food. For a few weeks it was hotdogs, bologna, Vienna sausages, fried anything. So her sodium levels shot up and caused swelling in her legs and chest. They started cooking her steak with a minimal amount of seasoning and all of her swelling is gone. When she was first diagnosed, I didn’t think she was going to make it through the week. But my girl is a fighter. Its been well over a month since this all started and I am glad and so blessed that she is still with us.
My boyfriend Alex loves my dogs. He’s actually the one who convinced me to get Dolls. I saw her precious face on Facebook under a ‘for sale’ group. The woman was giving her and her siblings away. I showed Alex and he smiled and said “you should get her. Seriously.” So I did. She likes Alex more than she likes me. He’s such a great guy so I don’t blame her. After the whole situation in December, Alex proved himself to be a wonderful human being. He was by my side the whole way. He’s there when I need hugs. He’s there when I need a shoulder to cry on. Ice cream to eat. A margarita to drink. He’s always trying to get me to think positively. He’s protective of me. After December, when I asked him to, he came with me to the store every time I needed to go because I was terrified of going by myself. I was terrified of running into that guy and just breaking down. But Alex stood by my side. Held my hand. Told me to keep breathing. He’s witnessed my panic attacks. He has not once blamed me for December. And for that I am eternally grateful. He is always by my side. There to help me when I need it. Or don’t need it. He tries his hardest to make me happy and make me smile and I try the same with him. He’s so fantastically amazing for me. We have similar tastes in most things so we learn from each other. I cook for him because he can’t cook. He spoils me. We’re going to Lollapalooza in Chicago at the end of summer break. It’ll be my first time in Chicago and it’ll be the first time I meet his friends and family. I’m nervous and excited. He comes back from Chicago tonight (super excited) and he’s moving off base and into a house tomorrow. So Dolly will go live with him while my parents get the house ready for the big move and Cleo spends her last days as a happy bully.
And when my parents move in May, I’ll move in with Alex temporarily. At least until I can get a good paying job and get my own place. I’m currently looking for a full time job with benefits so I can get on my feet and be an adult. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing 90% of the time, but that 10% of the time that I do get it, I’m confident. I’m scared of this next chapter in my life, but I know with my best friend, my boyfriend, and my family, that I will make it.
Thanks for reading, y’all 🙂
(I look jaundiced. It’s the crappy lighting in my bathroom)
Going back to the police today for a 2nd interview. Scared. But I’m going to get through today.
Apparently being single wasn’t what I wanted.
I hate being alone.
I hate thinking bad dark thoughts.
So I joined Tinder which is a dating app.
Met a few good people.
Went on dates.
Had my fun.
On December 1, I was raped by a guy who was a tinder acquaintance. I agreed to what began as consensual sex. I started having pains due to my endometriosis and asked him to stop. He said no. I put my hand on his chest and told him to stop. He pushed my hand away and thrust away.
I waited 8 days before involving the police.
8 days of denial.
8 days of mental silence.
I should have gone to the police right after it happened but I couldn’t believe that someone had just raped me. That doesn’t happen to people like me. I’m careful. I can fight people off.
But I didn’t. I was verbal twice and physical once. After he pushed my arm away, I didn’t even try.
Why the fuck didn’t I try?
He could have killed me once he was done.
And I would have just sat there.
Frozen in fear.
I just don’t know.
I am in therapy. Police are investigating. I have an amazing support group.
My mind is so loud and prominent.
But I’m figuring out ways to quiet it down.
Currently playing: Imagine by A Perfect Circle
Currently feeling: scared
Current meds: Paxil 40, Xanax .5, birth control
So I’ve been absent and I’m sorry.
I got swamped with school and taking care of my relationships.
My life has changed quite a bit in the last few months.
So I aced my classes. Yay!
I stopped going to church though. I am not sure what I’m looking for in life as far as that goes. I believe in God. I’m just not sure if I want Him in my life right now. What kind of self-absorbed asshole says that? This one. You can see it in my face. Right there. Self-absorption.
I started back up at the restaurant I used to work at. I love that place. I missed my customers.
I broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago and he moved back home. It was time. I literally hadn’t looked him in the eye for two weeks at that point and I sat there and thought about ways to break up with him for so long.
So I just did it one day.
And I feel better.
Anyways. I hope you all weren’t worried or anything. I’m still here. I got dark for a while, but I’m back.
Thanks for your kind words and continued support.
Current mood: melancholy.
Current meds: 40mg Paxil, 1mg Ativan
Now playing: Just A Fool- Christina Aguilera and Blake Shelton
Big face tonight…
Today was not very eventful. Woke up at 0500 went to sleep at 0630. Woke up at 1600…lol. Then watched TV and tried working on math for the rest of the day. Now it’s time for my brain to shut down so I can get up for church in the morning.
I didn’t have much time for thinking. I had a math class, history class and then a New Testament class. The latter classes were lecture and totaled to 5 hours worth of listening to someone talk. It’s not too bad. I’m sure I’ll do fine this quarter. I just gotta get motivated to do my math homework.
Talked to the bf for a sec today. Not much. Just a “hey I hope you’re having a good day I miss you” kinda thing.
Our little friend is always telling me she’s praying for me and him. She’s a sweet kid.
I am so tired. I’ve been going non-stop for over 12 hours now.
This is definitely being short tonight.
Thanks for reading my thoughts.
My mind isn’t strong.
My body isn’t strong.
My will isn’t strong.
But my Creator is.
Matthew 19:26 NKJV
But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
With God all things are possible.
Tomorrow I’m calling my doctor to get reexamined for my depression, anxiety and possible bipolar disorder. I’m not sure about BD but my anger recently has gotten pretty bad. And it may not be BD. It may just be that I’m angry and compared to other times I’m just “meh” it seems over the top.
I went to church tonight. Sat in a different spot than I normally do.
Talked to my boyfriend. We’re taking space away from each other. It’s made things a little easier on me. I don’t feel the constant need to help him with everything. He’s 25. He’s a big boy. He can do things on his own. Just gotta keep repeating that or else I’m not going to believe it.
And right now I’m in the tub. Been here for 2 hours maybe 3. Lol
I’ve got a migraine and I’m hoping it goes away soon.
My heart is hurting because of so many things happening in my life. My heart is hurting because of things happening in other people’s lives.
The picture tonight isn’t of me because I’m writing this in the tub and look a little wonky tonight.
My picture is of my Facebook post.
We sang a song tonight called “Lord, You’re Holy”. Every time I heard that song before I joined the choir at my church, I was blessed. I just felt amazing inside and so joyous that I have a Lord who is Almighty, my Strong Tower. Now that I get to sing it with the choir, I get the chills, my voice cracks, I feel tears come to my eyes. That song touches my soul.
Life sucks sometimes. But I am glad to be alive. I’m glad that I have a Savior who loves me.
So much for a quick post, huh?